• Air Mapster
  • Zippy MacPhee
  • Byondo
  • Roadmaster B
  • Baron von Dogg

Hike Stats

Elevation gain:  2543 ft
Distance:  7.5 mi
Average grade:  14.1%

Past Rides

BIKE GOD Theatre

The theatre is closed this week due to excessive water damage.

Today's Bike Danger is quite low, so the BIKE GODS decide to prevent a bad ride, opting to invite Roadmaster B and Baron von Dogg along for a little hike 'n' swim. No sense in wasting a perfectly good day on safe biking! Instead, they're going to hike up the East Fork river to the Bridge to Nowhere.
Byondo eagerly leads our guests up to the trailhead. It's quite crowded here today, undoubtedly due to the safe bike levels.
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Our hike starts off with a little climbing along this sheer rock face wall, but it's nothing the HIKE GODS can't handle.
The East Fork river is running a little high these days, thanks to a very recent season of profilic rains. We get our first water crossing of the day along this flooded section of trail, but a little water in the shoes never hurt anyone. Pretty easy so far!
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Zippy MacPhee scouts up ahead and spies a route along these rocks up above. The rest of the group scrambles up to join him.
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Zippy's rock climbing excursion leads us back down to this placid pool adjacent to the roaring rapids. Baron von Dogg is clearly excited as he nearly pulls Byondo down into Z-Mac's waiting arms.
The day's second water crossing again barely qualifies, as there are stepping stones nearly all the way. This hike is certainly turning out to be a piece of cake so far.
Byondo is disqualified from the limbo for improper technique.
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Whoah, that's quite a catch! Byondo pulls hard to reel in B-Doggie before he gets away. This third water crossing is a little deeper and more challenging - just the way we like it!
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However, Baron von Dogg is not particularly amused at crossing a gushing river that's nearly as deep as he is tall. He completes the crossing in the safety of his master's strong arms.
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Air Mapster follows next, taking advantage of freakishly long legs to keep his shorts dry. Just don't fall in with that camera!
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Roadmaster B is the last to cross the river here. He only uses his left hand to keep his shorts dry because his right hand is will soon be injured mutilated beyond all hope and recognition.
Having successfully sniffed out the trail on the other side of the river, the HIKE GODS continue toward the Bridge to Nowhere.
Zippy MacPhee takes a moment to sit and reflect on his perfect execution of that last crossing, while the others make their way up the trail.
Baron von Dogg is very happy to be back on land.
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Uh oh, here comes another dunk in the pool... Baron longingly thinks of that warm bed he left this morning, cursing himself for jumping in the car for this trip.
Meanwhile Roadmaster B devises a way to navigate this tempestuous tributary, using his enormous strength to rip this tree out of the ground and lay it across.
Baron anxiously tries to sniff out a non-hydrated escape route while Zippy begins to cross using Roadmaster's helpful fallen trees.
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Too late for Boom-Doggle - he's once again thrust into the turbulent waters that he did not agree to, but thankfully he reaches the safety of land and rejoices.

Our swashbuckling band of adventurers looks for higher ground to help dry their waterlogged legs

Unfortunately their search is fruitless, leading only to deeper water rushing over slick river rock. Roadmaster B suffers a serious setback in the water here - it's an injury so gruesome and disturbing that we will not show it. The HIKE GODS must turn back, as what began as an exploratory outing has suddenly become a desperate rescue mission.

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With precious seconds ticking off the clock, Byondo realizes that he must carry Baron across the river if the HIKE GODS are to make it back to the forest ranger station in time to save Roadmaster B. Zippy MacPhee gently slings R.B. over his shoulder and races ahead, already out of the frame while Air Mapster pitches in by carrying everyone else's equipment.
Baron von Dogg is very unhappy about his soggy situation today, but the expression on his face now is 100% worry for the fading Roadmaster B. Will he make it?
Byondo and Baron madly rush to cross the river for the last time on the way back, as desperation begins to set in.
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Back at the ranger station, emergency personnel work feverishly to revive Roadmaster B. It's looking really bad, but they refuse to give up. Suddenly, the Roadmaster twitches an eyelid. A faint pulse can be detected as he begins to show signs of life. It's truly a miracle!
After extensive time spent in the station's intensive care unit, Roadmaster B finally emerges with enough strength to show off his hideously grotesque disfigurement. It's amazing that anyone could survive that!
The HIKE GODS celebrate Roadmaster's recovery with a little PB and J. Baron hungrily anticipates his share.
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There's no longer time to search for the mythical Bridge to Nowhere, but Roadmaster B is feeling well enough to tackle a nice climb before the day is done.
The HIKE GODS stop to regroup at the halfway point of the climb. Roadmaster B is still with us, but that horrific injury is beginning to take its toll.
Baron's just happy to be on high ground, many hundreds of feet above any water.
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The group continues up the steepest section of this arduous climb. A gap opens up in front of R.B. as he begins to fall ever so slightly behind.
f54.jpg f55.jpg f53.jpg The HIKE GODS, now without Roadmaster who's gone as far as his weakening body will take him, stop to enjoy this amazing panoramic view. Byondo and Zippy like it so much that they decide to enjoy it twice!
Air Mapster takes advantage of this opportunity to prove that he was there.
This mysterious pile of rocks marks the definitive summit of the climb. Victory!
The HIKE GODS celebrate their achievement with one last timer photo. Byondo's so elated that he grabs Baron and jubilantly spins him around. It's not the Bridge to Nowhere, but scaling this peak is no small feat, either.
Hey, there's another one of those ugly trees.
Our heroes rejoin a resting and recovering Roadmaster B at the bottom of the mountain.
The parking area is significantly less crowded now, as it's clear that most fellow recreators didn't have the character and fortitude to last as long as the HIKE GODS did. That bridge will have to wait for another day, but the trip was still a phenomenal success.
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Roadmaster B shows off his horrendously disfigured extremity. It will undoubtedly require months, if not years of recovery time and therapy to begin resembling normalcy. We're all pulling for him!