BIKE GODS: Bridge to Nowhere 4/4/10

Attendance

Zippy MacPhee
Russian Rocket
Byondo 56
Grassman 56
Air Mapster 56

Hike Stats

Elevation gain:		1508 ft
Distance:		11.6 mi
Average grade:		5.1%

Past Hikes

BIKE GOD Theatre

The theatre is closed this week in observance of the Easter holiday.

This Easter morning is the perfect opportunity to hike the East(er) Fork River to reach the Bridge to Nowhere. Last time here, Roadmaster B's bad luck set back our group's aspirations, while Baron von Dogg was unhappy about the water levels. With those two out of the way, our heroes are confident that they'll conquer the fabled bridge on this great holiday.

Air Mapster, Byondo, and Grassman arrive just a tad late, shocked to find that the rest of their party is not waiting for them. Zippy MacPhee's vehicle is here, but there's no trace of him or the Russian Rocket. The vehicle is thoroughly searched for any signs of a note. Surely they wouldn't leave without a note! Otherwise, how would our tardy trekkers know whether or not the early birds have really started up the trail? What if they just took a little side trip for a quick double-deuce? If the late laggards go ahead and start the hike, the punctual pair could return to the parking lot and continue waiting indefinitely. Conversely, if the early risers are already on the hike, any further waiting around will widen the gap for the dawdlers. It's quite the conundrum!

Finally deciding that the upside-down paper on the dashboard is undoubtedly a botched attempt at a note, our delayed daredevils set out on the hike.

Grassman expresses his seething anger toward Z-Mac and the Rocket. Their lack of a proper note has lost us valuable time on this hike! It's unforgivable!

Grassman is an expert at not getting wet. He nimbly navigates this crossing with nary a drop of water added. Very impressive!

But this crossing leaves no choice: dihydrogen-monoxide contamination is absolutely unavoidable here. Byondo leads the way, thankful that he has no dogg to carry this time.

Still unable to control his rage at the lack of a note, Grassman accidentally gives Byondo a little shove at the start of this whitewater crossing. Luckily, Byondo is an expert river crosser, so he just uses the extra momentum to propel himself gracefully and swiftly across the tumultuous waterway.

What's that smell? Grassman makes a funny face as he carefully traverses the deadly precipice.

Byondo waits impatiently at the bottom as Grassman picks a serviceable route down the sheer face of this cliff.

Now it's Air Mapster's turn to swing on the rope and make his way across the dangerously precarious rock face. Kids, don't try this at home!

Gassman sits down to try to identify the source of that terrible noxious smell that's been following him around. The foul odor causes another funny face.

Our heroes press on with yet another river crossing, trying desperately to evade that toxic gas cloud, while also attempting to gain ground on Zippy and the Rocket. That is, if they're even out on the hike. How would we know for sure? They didn't leave a note!

Here, Byondo attempts to show off his excelent photography skills by snapping some pictures of Air Mapster crossing the river.

It's clear that Byondo knows how to work a camera. Good job pressing that button!

Byondo bumps his head on the branch while scrambling through this extremely narrow opening. At least the headbump wasn't in vain, because surely this is the way the trail goes, right?

After backtracking from the dead end just past the unnecessary narrow opening and site of the painful head-thrashing, Byondo leads the way across the final river crossing on the trail.

Finally, they're getting quite close to the lost bridge!

Byondo looks back in disgust, as he arrives at the bridge to find our non-note-leaving compatriots lounging around as if they own the place. He angrily charges forward, intending to give them a piece of his mind. Grassman has to sit down for a moment off camera to stifle his fury.

Heated words are exchanged, arms are gesticulated wildly, and eventually a peace offering of white bread sandwiches is made. Finally, halfway through the hike, the group is together at last.

Air Mapster embarks on a photo-essay excursion, attempting to capture images of the Bridge to Nowhere from every possible angle.

Built in 1936, this impressive structure was meant to be part of a great highway running through the San Gabriel Mountains, connecting the valley below with the high desert above. However, a massive flood in 1938 washed out the highway, and the project was abandoned, leaving the already completed bridge standing literally in the middle of nowhere.

But a massive swarm of killer bees underneath the bridge cuts short the essay. Time to get out of here!

The group heads on, past the bridge, to see where it really goes. Yup, as suspected, the trail past the bridge goes nowhere. They turn around and head back after a quick expedition.

This sign, like the one before it, is actually a jigsaw puzzle. All passersby are required to correctly place one piece of the puzzle in order to leave the bridge. Otherwise they are stuck wandering "nowhere" for all eternity. Grassman spies a piece down on one of the sign posts and places it in its rightful spot.

Having escaped the the bridge's desolate nowhereland, the HIKE GODS embark on their return trip.

Since the author is getting tired of writing detailed descriptions for everything, please enjoy the remainder of our return trip photos, imagining more exciting captions describing the stunning and amazing events documented therein.

[Note to self: next time don't take so many pictures!]