BIKE GODS: Santiago Oaks 03/24/01

03/24/2001

Attendance

Byondo
Zippy MacPhee
Air Mapster 93

BIKE GOD Theatre

Radioactive Underoo footage still to come...

Byondo breaks out the hose, giving the bikes a bath before the ride. As all good BIKE GODS know, it's important to maximize the amount of dirt on the bike at the end of the ride, relative to that at the start of the ride. Thus, the ideal ride starts with an immaculately clean bike and ends with mud, wheels, and more mud!

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Right on cue, Byondo's troublesome bike Chainey begins having problems before the ride is barely underway. The scary thing is that the preceding sentence wasn't changed a bit from the last ride! Zippy MacPhee comes over to lend a helping finger. In the process, unable to control his great speed, he crashes into the wimpy Firebird, totaling Roadmaster B's only set of wheels. Unfortunately the plan doesn't work, and B is soon back on 4 wheels rather than 2, as the BIKE GODS had hoped.

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Finally Chainey is back in shape and the BIKE GODS are on their way! Air Mapster hangs back a bit to check out Santiago's famed BIKE GOD Wedding site. That's right, following the Borg's lead, Mapster scopes out the possibilities for a traditional BIKE GOD wedding of his own.

Byondo agrees as he powers his way up the trail: that site over there would make a fine spot for the second BIKE GOD marriage of the new millennium!

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The trail is looking mighty fine today as Byondo and Zippy MacPhee seem energized by the electricity in the air...

Zippy's bike begins to pull some tricks of his own. Unlike Chainey, he waits until the ride is in full swing before getting stuck. It takes Zippy's BIKE GOD strength and patience to get the Bovine's chain in working order again. Soon all is right.

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Z-Mac effortlessly rounds the treacherous corner, having tamed the wild beast once again.

Soon it is on to the most challenging section of the trail... Challenging, that is, for human bikers. This hill is no match for the power and speed of Byondo and Zippy!

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Nearly 5 seconds later, it is all over as the two BIKE GODS reach the top of the seemingly impossible climb. They make it look so easy!

Byondo continues up the rocky slope as Zippy nears the summit. The mortal biker, seeing that he is clearly outclassed, moves away to make room for Zippy's powerful ascent.

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Zippy lazily relaxes on the edge of a cliff, having completed a satisfyingly dangerous climb. Byondo couldn't get enough, and decides to do the climb a second time before joining the other BIKE GODS.

One false move would mean instant death, even for a mighty BIKE GOD! But these riders have no fear, relying on their incredible coordination and sense of balance. The view is simply breathtaking at this high altitude!

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Coming down from the awesome peak, the BIKE GODS stumble upon something wonderful that has been lost for years. This is the very place where the first BIKE GODS came into existence, millions of years ago. These ancient power lines provided the radioactivity necessary to turn the cave bikers into BIKE GODS. It is with great pleasure and honor that the BIKE GODS return to the motherland for the first time in over a century. It is a proud and historic moment for all! The BIKE GODS stop to pay their respects and soak in the energy of their ancestry.

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It is a common human myth that radioactivity produces superheroes with super powers. Throughout history, those humans who were unlucky enough to stumble upon the great BIKE GOD Power Lines rarely lived to tell of it. Those who did, were so badly damaged from the radiation that their clothes and skin were often burned down to the underwear. This explains why so many fictional superheroes of human mythology seemed to be wearing their underwear on the outside. In fact, this radiation is extremely harmful to humans, and often kills them. It was the explosive combination of bikes, strength, and true grit that allowed the first BIKE GODS to ride away not only unharmed, but forever immortal. It is said that after that initial reaction, the BIKE GODS took with them enough of the power that the radiation subsided, preventing the creation of new BIKE GODS. Now all that is left of the unfortunate humans who wish to become BIKE GODS or super heroes is their underwear.

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Having unexpectedly returned to their origins, the BIKE GODS ride off into the sunset, reborn and full of life. There is now no doubt in Mapster's mind that this is where he will be wed. How could there be a better place for a BIKE GOD? June 1, 2002. Mark your BIKE GOD Calendars!